The Perfect Wife

Men — especially married men — should refrain from dreaming about a Perfect Wife. The wife God gave you is perfect for you: that should be enough. Nevertheless, if I had to describe the Perfect Wife, her characteristics would look like this …

First and foremost, the perfect wife will be a Catholic who is serious about pursuing holiness. She’ll make frequent use of the Sacrament of Penance and will get the children to a mid-week Mass whenever possible.

The perfect wife will also be feminine. In the immortal words of Rogers and Hammerstein, she’ll be a “girly, womanly, female, feminine dame”. She’ll be neither “frumpy” nor “flashy” in her dress and conduct, but simple and elegant. She’ll wear her hair and her skirts long enough to be pretty.

She will have adorable brown eyes, raven dark hair, and smiling high cheekbones.

She won’t do the same things I do or have exactly the same interests. Sometimes it happens that two lawyers, for instance, marry each other. Usually they end up miserable because they’re each doing the same things and they each have their own inflexible opinions about what they do.

She will, however, be interested in what I do.

She will be highly competent in the domestic arts: cooking, sewing, child-minding, etc.

She will have a natural love for children and will delight in their innocence.

She’ll save us lots of money by making clothes for the entire family.

She’ll be decently educated and capable of having an intelligent conversation.

She will detest modern (jazz/rock/rap) music and loathe broadcast television.

She’ll let me argue and debate loudly with other men without interfering. Unlike so many women nowadays, she will understand that men do this for fun and are really having a great time.

She won’t mind if I smoke my pipe in the house.

She’ll buy my wine and scotch without me having to ask for it.

She’ll love the Latin Mass and all the trappings. In obedience to the command of St. Paul and the traditions of our Faith, she’ll happily wear a chapel veil in the sacramental presence of Our Lord.

She will be supremely resourceful. Her children will say of her, “Mommy can do anything!” If the communists throw me in prison, she’ll find a way to smuggle a knife past the jailers in a peanut butter sandwich or something.

She will be a woman of courage. When her world seems to come crashing down, for whatever reason, she’ll face the truth and pick up the pieces without giving in to despair.

There’s my picture of The Perfect Wife. And it’s a good thing, too — such is the wife God has given to me.