People often ask me why I’m so happy all the time, so I’ll tell you so you people can be happy as well. The key to a happy life is negative thinking, I know that doesn’t make sense, but bare with me it’s what makes people happy. If you are able to expect worse than the worst, then anything is a positive surprise. It works like this for me:

Taking a shower: Expect boiling acid to squirt out of the shower head when you turn it on. That way, when you turn the whatever it’s called on and freezing water comes out, or scalding water, or rusty water or just a trickle, or a gecko you’re all, Yay! No boiling acid! Geckos are so pretty, I’d be so happy to have a shower with one!

Driving to work in the first snow of the year that takes everyone by surprise so they’re risking it with their summer tires and having wrecks right and left: Expect to get in a pileup yourself, then sit for hours waiting for a tow truck until you pee your pants because you’re trapped inside your crushed car and can’t get out to take a leak. That way, when you’re stuck in a traffic jam for half an hour until some car gets towed away, you’re all, Yay! It wasn’t me, I’m so happy to be alive! I mean, poor crunched SUV!

Job interview: not sure about this one yet. Job interviews seem to be as bad as it gets. Maybe others can think of something worse than a job interview?

PTA meeting: same with this one. Although I have exercised my negative imagination for decades now, I still can’t come up with anything more mortifying than meeting with the asinine parents of the little savages who attend school with my wonderful little girl, especially combined with meeting with her block headed teacher and the patronizing school principal. One could go in there expecting raving space monkeys wearing red-hot battle suits to come swarming out of the blinking fluorescent lights in the ceiling atop rabid foaming flying fanged robot ponies with angle grinders for phalli flipping everyone there in the head and after five minutes, only five minutes of “well of course I don’t know what I’m talking about with the poking pencils in the eyes, if they really poked them actually in the eye then there would be blood wouldn’t there? but I have two boys of my own and boys will be boys and if they get out of hand maybe someone needs to I heard of a principal in one school who locked a naughty kid in a broom closet and spanked him maybe kids need to know who’s boss I think the teacher is doing a marvelous job” and “now, now, now of course the kids can’t go anywhere on recess they’re still landscaping the playground that problem will solve itself they’ll just have to sit motionless in their seats for a few more weeks that will take care of itself let me illustrate the situation with this children’s book about a school where all the animals learn things, see here’s a picture of what’s this a picture of can you see it it’s a picture it’s a horse trying to climb a tree now what’s that tell you and here’s the owl…” and “well maybe your kid needs perfect silence to learn something, my kids are robust” and after only five minutes of this, although of course you’re subjected to over an hour of it, you’re thinking, “What’s taking the goddamn space monkeys?”

That’s why I’m so happy and you can be happy too :-)